HollowYears's Xanga

well thing's are going to be alright.

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 03:22:24 GMT

i'm going to stay optimistic. i'm saving up for the Canada trip, i'm going to go! I AM! /screams like a crazy person
seriously... i'm so determined. i'm going to pick up more hours at work, my mom said she would help with some funds. even ian will give me a little money to help as well. so i think everything will be alright. tomorrow or next week, i think i'm going to go start the process for my passport. definitely going to need that... i wish i knew people who had little kids so i could babysit them. maybe i'll go about petsitting. any ideas to make some quick extra money?

FML.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 05:59:07 GMT

ugh. it's really stressful not being able to do the things i want to do because of money. it fucking sucks... i always meet people who have it good and have money. or their parents have money. i have neither. and i'm so sick of it.

i want to go to Canada SO badly with my boyfriend for Christmas. is that going to happen? the outcome is looking very very very bleak. plane tickets are so expensive... and i'd need to get a passport. so i'm pretty much fucked, and it makes me extremely sad. he went somewhere last year too and i was stuck babysitting the puppy during Christmas. alone.

so i'm just extremely frustrated and sad. this sucks so much. maybe if the loan i applied for like a fucking month and a half ago would finally come through, THEN i'd be able to go. but as of now, i'm too broke and i'm unable to purchase a plane ticket or get a passport. and it makes me feel very depressed. i'm so jealous of ian for that. he gets to go to awesome places with his family, it's like they don't care about money. i wish i could be carefree about it. it's so annoying. so very annoying.

someone robbed the bank of america by my house today, maybe i should do that too. maybe that robber was in the same situation as me and was desperate to get out of this place. i guess i know how he feels.

blah.

i seriously need to update this more often.

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:31:49 GMT

it's true, but at the same time... no one ever reads this. ): read me damnit! i'm cool! D:

well, let's see... life, hmm. life's been alright, i have my love again (obviously) it's always great to have that boy in my life, i adore him more than kittens. and that says a lot. things have been well with him and i. he's going through sort of a depression however. mostly stress related with school, his mother, and work. but i try to keep his spirits up, sometimes he's stubborn though and just likes to sulk. i think he's getting sick though ): poor baby.

and hm, with me? school and work pretty much. i'm taking anthropology, psychology, and a songwriting class. not very exciting really. next spring i'm going to focus on pure general ed classes so i can transfer to a CSU and get out of community college! gah. i'm so sick of being there... it's just lame. i really need to focus and try harder.

work is good, i've been getting a good amount of hours, i got my raise this past monday! whoooo (: two people were fired however. it's funny, one of the people was my friend that actually got me the job at starbucks... haha, kind of odd. but oh well, he's glad he doesn't work there anymore.

halloween's coming up... and i have no plans. how sad. i know of a few parties, but i don't know if i want to go to them or not. tomorrow i'm going to some shindig one of my more "innocent" friends are throwing. i guess their parents have a yearly halloween party with friends/family/neighbors, so why not see how that is. if it's lame, i can always bail and go to a dance party that's happening the same time and same night. don't know though, still thinking about it. i'm going to be a gothic ragdoll (: i'm using all my old gothy clothes i used to wear. i love the gothic look, i just don't dress that way much anymore. i do still wear a good taste of black however. but yeah, i'm putting those old clothes to use this halloween. maybe i'll crimp my hair too! (:

i might be going to canada, specifically vancouver this christmas! i'm so stoked! ian has family out there so we'd be staying with them. i've never been to canada, let alone out of the country (tijuana does NOT count). i hope i'll be able to go... that will be amazing. i hope it's somewhat cheap, or i hope his mother helps with my ticket. i need to get my passport, i'm capable of paying for that. eeeeek cross your fingers people! wish on a star for me (:

well, until next time... peace!

life is strange. so very strange.

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 06:34:43 GMT

and two months later, ian and i are back together. we got back together friday. it's a long story that i don't feel like explaining at the moment. but i have grown so much since the night he ended us. it's insane. this time it's different though, a good kind of different. we barely spoke to eachother in the past couple months, and when we did, it was usually not a good conversation. he was so angry, so full of hurt. so i was. but i couldn't hate him.

but i wouldn't trade the pain for what i learned. at all. i'm glad it happened now.

because i'm so much better now.

life works in such mysterious ways.

<3.

the end.

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 16:28:47 GMT

ian and i broke up. this time it's permanent.
it's for the best. but i feel dead. so very dead.

GOD.

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 08:25:52 GMT

fuck my life.
fuck it.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKljDS;lkf;aljfp;sjf;lak;skf;sdf;

<3.

feeling like this again.

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 03:58:53 GMT

i guess i haven't felt this way in awhile. but i feel like how i did 8th grade. just lost and depressed, hopeless too. i don't know why. i just feel like i don't even know myself anymore. it's absolutely frustrating. i'm 19. i should know who i am...i should have this down. i should be aware of what kind of person i am. but no. i have to be so...scatterbrained, my emotions splashed everywhere. it's so elementary and ridiculous. and yet, at times i feel like i do have it all together. but right now, i feel like i'm too lost to be saved. and i don't want that.

i just don't know what to do with myself. i feel like i always need somebody around to reassure me of what's happening or how it's going to work out or whatever the situation. i feel useless when i'm alone. like i can't accomplish anything, like i'm weak.

i'm sitting alone in my bedroom right now, like how i used to years ago. on the computer. alone. lost.
i'm cycling back around to that and this shouldn't be happening. this should've been gone and stayed gone like the years that have passed.

i need to find a way out. and i'm thinking i'm the only one who can save myself now. i don't think anybody else can. and that's what scares me the most. that i'm going to fail, and i'm not going to find myself, and i'm going to lose grip on the hand i'm trying to keep from slipping.

please don't let me slip away, not again. please.

<3.

k then.

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 23:03:33 GMT

so i haven't blogged on this in a really long time. not really sure why. i guess i just forgot about it. or got too lazy to update. it's been 8 months though, that's crazy. honestly doesn't feel like that much time has passed. i don't even know where to begin to start on my update in life. i'll just start somewhere.

1. i'm still with ian.
we went through a couple rough patches in the last 8 months but we're still together. it's kind of complicated too though, because sometimes he'll want his "space" and for some reason i don't care much for having my own "space" so when he goes off and does his own thing, i feel empty. like i have no life when i'm not around him. which is pretty sad. so i'm currently trying to find myself again. i'm trying to gain some independence back so i don't feel useless and empty when he's not around. i blame him though, because when we started dating, all we would do was hang out together. and he didn't mind it so i just assumed he was okay and we'd just do that every day. i guess when i really think about it though, it is bad to be around eachother 24/7. i just thought this love was supposed to be like a romantic movie. but all movies end, and you never see all the details in it. this is life. not a 2 hour movie. so i've got to open my eyes and realize i'm my own person too, and so is he. it's just hard to grasp when all i've been doing for the past 2 years is just been glued to his side. i don't want to break free from his side, i just need to find myself again so i don't feel hurt and abandoned when we're not doing things together. i swear it's like separation anxiety.

2. i still work at starbucks, but i also had another job being paid under the table.
yeah, i go through these phases where i really despise starbucks and i start looking for another job. well, this was in february, my friend Allen works at a donut shop that his family runs/owns. and they needed some help so i started working for them like 5 mornings every week. i got paid straight up cash, and got tips every day. it was awesome. i would still be there if his parent's weren't such fucking workaholics. they tried to get me to put everything aside and put work first. i mean, they were fucking chinese. of course that's how they're programmed to function, but i just didn't see eye to eye with them. so i quit after 2 1/2 months because i couldn't handle the way they tried to force their priorities on me. if they weren't like that i probably would have still been there. so i got rehired at starbucks, and i'm still there now. i did have a recent interview at this local cafe/bakery/coffee house place, but i didn't take the job because i was too short for their espresso machine. it was frustrating.

3. school.
for awhile i was not interested in going to school anymore. i finished one year already, and i just didn't see how it was helping me. i've just felt kind of...lost lately. like i'm unsure of what to do, what i WANT to do with myself/life anymore. what i really want to do is be a musician, but i just don't think i'm ready yet to make the first step. i'm unsure of what that first step is, and where to begin. so i decided i'm going to stay in school and figure it out aswell. i don't want to wait forever though, because then the chance will pass me by. so really everyday counts. i just need some help figuring out what the first step is. maybe it's to meet someone else with the same dream. it might just be that, and maybe i could meet that person at school this fall. i'm hoping for the best. so here's to having a great second year at school.

4. i cut my hair.
yeah, my hair was very long, to the bottom of my back, but i cut it back in may. super short, like 2 1/2 inches long. so it's kind of a new start in that sense too. i'm not dyeing it black anymore either, that's probably the main reason why i chopped it off. dyeing it for 4-5 years made it brittle/dead. so now i want it to be thick and shiny like it used to be.

5. i have a car.
i got a 2002 new beetle on may 17th (st. patty's day). i love her so much, i named her Simone (: haha. my car is midnight blue, it's amazing pretty much. i love having my own freedom, it's great. i got it faster than i expected because i had that second job, too. i miss having a lot of money...oh well.

um. i'm sure there's more going on, i'm just not sure what.
i'll leave it at that for now. i'm pretty sure i'll be updating more, too.
and i think i'm going to change my username again, so look out for that.

<3.

:Lckzs;dlfkS:Lfk;dl/

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 05:56:14 GMT

I HATE MONEY.
I FUCKING HATE IT.
ARRGGGHkjfldsf;ks'dfks';df/!!

<3.

life.

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 09:20:22 GMT

i haven't written in this in awhile. kira's a lot bigger now, she's 12 weeks. and she's learning commands fast too. ian and i are still going to invest in puppy kindergarten so she really gets the commands down well, and that we're doing it correctly.

as for me, i'm trying to find help for my mental issues. i'm currently in the process of finding a psychiatrist who can evaluate my problem. i'm supposed to be hearing from one in the next few days. i'm relieved that this is finally happening. i've been needing help for so long, and it's just been getting worse so it's time.

and school, i've decided to change my major. being a music major is killing the fun and enjoyment of music. it's basically become a chore to do. and i don't want that to happen. music is everything to me, i just can't learn it all like this. it's not real to me. i'm considering vetrinarian though.

oh, and i got my braces off nov. 3rd! :D

yeah so i guess a lot has happened this past month...i've just been lazy and didn't get around to writing it here.

later days,

<3.